(original blog post written August 2015)
While recently clearing the basement clutter and sorting through boxes of papers, I came across an old journal page of mine dated January 8, 2011. I was stunned reading this entry: "Feeling like Moses in the desert, at that point again, everything is coming at me. I have two choices: crumble and die or transform. The opposition of everyone, everything...the feeling of being alone...the reality of being alone. My choices are slim in quantity, but immense in action. The ripple effect of each choice will be huge. I am exhausted. I need to regroup, take a general consensus and reevaluate to arrive at the ultimate choice. Which will it be? Will I choose it or will it choose me?" Too often we let the chaos around us choose our direction, setting us on a path that is not ours to travel. We live in a world driven by the road of least resistance, instant gratification, making choices that are less challenging, safe, but not our own. I say, step up to the plate and take a swing. What do you have to lose? Everything, if you don't try. You risk losing your hope, your dreams, and your vision of what is possible and what you know to be true in every cell of your being. You compromise your authenticity. Your truth and your purpose get lost in the chaos of the expectations of the masses. When you have a child with autism, each step forward is a choice. You change and tailor it to the needs of your child as they grow and change, as things around them change. Life with autism, it's an ongoing decision, a never-ending chain of uncertain choices.
And so, it continues the life changing choices of all the tomorrows that beg the question "Which will it be? Will I choose it or will it choose me?
The journal entry quote above was written in January 2011. The year of emancipation for my son. The year I would forfeit my title as mother and sign on to be known thereafter as his legal guardian. This original blog post was written in August 2015. A time when I was in the midst of what felt like a David & Goliath battle desperately trying to place my son in an adult services program with safe supports. A time when I was about to do a deep dive into the lessons of speaking my truth in the face of adversity, courage and staying the course. Learning a lesson in faith and to keep on believing someone would hear me; that someone would hear my cries to meet the needs of my son. Little did I know, each choice was moving me forward in ways and into places I never imagined. And as I moved unbeknownst to me, my story was already being written, it just wasn’t down on paper yet.
Choices: One mother's determined search for the supports to meet the needs of her aging autistic son. Available on Amazon https://amzn.com/B07MFQ1JZY ,
Titicomb's Bookshop https://www.titcombsbookshop.com/search/site/Choices
Brewster Book Store https://brewsterbookstore.com/